and one door shuts and another one opens and you know what? we’re both going to be okay. i’m not happy but i’m content. theres an understanding and a comfortability. que sera, sera. i’m alright.
its like there was this awesome thing that was happening for me and my life finally seemed to be coming together but now i’m completely bogged down with work, i stopped being able to sleep again, i lost all semblance of progress at the gym, my pap is dying, i have no money, and i’m (quite possibly most likely) single (for the most boring reason, ever) once again. i’ve got all of these things pushing me from every corner, luckily i’m stable enough to start pushing back. its just hard. everything is so hard. i could spend a good thirty minutes listing things that i need to be taking care of and its unfortunate that they included breaking up with my boyfriend at 2 am on a thursday night but that is the (pathetic) story of my life. home life sucks, school sucks… i need some motivation. a reason to keep pushing back. note: breaking up with someone you actually really like is literally the most awkward thing ever. it doesn’t make any sense. my life is a joke. its cool… just another thing to add to the following neverending lists: 1. things i failed at doing correctly 2. things to worry about 3. things that make me unhappy.
this fucking sucks.
my immediate response upon hearing this read aloud to me: “who are these ghosts?”
homework=/=tumblr but one is funner than the other with galpals.
and fyi those last photos aren’t weird ones i stole off the internet… those are kitty kat originals taken from the front fucking row of radio city music hall… and i was right there with her. hmmmpf.
The gynecologist, though? You walk in awkward as all hell because you know what your fate will be in a just a few short minutes… but you’re more fresh than you’ve been in God knows how long because you’ve showered for an hour and scrubbed the shit out of your soon to be examined crotch. Then, a nurse asks you questions to which the answers you don’t even want to admit to yourself… let alone some judging stranger. You know, the whole gyno crew does nothing but judge all day. Don’t judge me… sex is natural AND I think that some of your judgement comes from the fact that you’re stuck in a shitty, monogamous relationship that has been on a downhill spiral since 1992.
Q:Do I ALWAYS use condoms?
A:No. I’m a suffering college student; I can’t afford that shit. Not to mention, sex is a rarity… if there isn’t protection at my immediate disposal, I’m not going slam the breaks and hope that a reoccurance doesn’t hibernate for ANOTHER twelve months.
Q:Do I know the repercussions of my actions?
A:I’m not eight anymore… yes, I know what can happen. But sex feels so much better (and it flows more fluidly) without the smelly cum catchers in the picture.
Q:Am I ready to deal with the consequences?
A:Fuck no, I’m not ready for a baby… but that sure as shit wasn’t a part of my thought pattern at the time. I was acting in my natural animal instinct and taking care of business. Thank you, though, for reminding me that I am a twenty two year old piece of shit who lacks the physical means and mental maturity to care for herself, let alone another human life. Plus, I’m kind of banking on the fact that my body knows better than to allow any sort of fertilization to ensue.
Q:Does my partner have other partners?
A:Ugh, probably?… I don’t know nor do I care to know.
Q (more of a statement/judgement that a question, but…):Well, dear, having this sort of conversation with your partner is very important.
A:Listen, lady… a girl’s got needs and it’s none of my business what my “partner” is doing when he isn’t satisfying the aforementioned needs.
After this demeaning interview, you go into the exam room and that’s when you enter true Hell on Earth. You’re sitting there, embarrassed and naked… half exposed because the gown needs to be open in the front so that the doctor can fondle your boobies while trying to make the experience less constrained with terrible conversation ending with a (not-so-funny) joke about flopping your feet into the slings and skooching your bum to the edge of the table. Ugh, then the doctor breaks out the massive light the glares warm on all your unmentionables. As if the image isn’t disgusting enough au naturel, the beaming imperfection finder picks out all of the super nasties by illuminating every this, that, and the next thing of your perineum.
“Alright, dear, now just spread your knees a little more…. a little more….. just a little more….” What the hell, doc? What on Earth could you be shoving up there that my legs need to be split and spread from sea to shining sea? Cheese and rice… the next few minutes are some of the most uncomfortable minutes in a girl’s life. Minutes that she subconsciously dreads all year long. There is good news, though. My doctor told me that I had an “A+ vagina” (that damn judging again). I’m going to brag a bit and say that to have a vagina of such stature is quite the accomplishment… but who the fuck says that? What do you say back to something like that? Ugh… can I get dressed now? God, I hope I can get dressed now.
Originally, I got this and was way excited then got all “mehh I don’t want to show my excitement. What if it falls through. What if people think I’m that girl. I’ll keep this to myself.”
But no. This is my blog - and I’m pretty excited. I don’t even care if it falls through in the end. It’s the initial acceptance. And after however many years of being laid off only to take a lesser paying job, be promoted, be demoted, be turned down, not be the BEST at what I was doing - This, along with the Orlando trip for my real life full time job, is a welcomed change.
And to this, I pat myself on a back to a job well done and way to keep pushing through no matter how many times I just wanted to lay down on the tracks and wait for the train of life to run me over. DRAMATIC. But we’ve all been there. Don’t even say you haven’t.
After careful consideration, the ModCloth Creative Team is pleased to
announce that you have been selected to model for our company!
In addition to your exceptional look and stand-out photos, you
demonstrated remarkably professional manners, skills, and experience.
Your cooperation, enthusiasm, and vibrant personality all fit the
message we want to send our customers.
We will be in touch with you as soon as there is a project in which we
would like to use you.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to come in. All of us are
looking forward to working with you!
Have a wonderful day,
Lead Stylist- ModCloth.com
I have no idea what I’m doing. But you’re pretty spectacular at having that accent and making small talk with me. I hope that my age ( which I just revealed to you via email ) does not put you off and I too, look forward to working with you ( and the really nice photographer girl ). And to sit on that big orange couch again. In that huge huge place of Mod.
Terrified. Excited. Accepted. Now if only I could find the house of my dreams in the next… 3 months…
Perhaps Jupiter really is in my REALM.
Are you going to be one hundred percent honest?
naturally, i don’t want to lie to the internet
If your girlfriend/ boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do?
he knows. cut his fingers off at the knuckle so he can’t drum, drive a car, or ride a bike. and people will have to spoon feed him. and all i’ll let people feed him is split pea soup. and i doubt it will be vegan.
Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
“admit that you’re a bitch”
Anything coming up that you’re excited for?
Are you cheating on someone right now?
no interest in anyone that isn’t tom. except for justice. or daniel craig. or robert pattinson. or lady gaga.
Who did you last share a bed with other than yourself?
moran. moron. moran.
Are you wearing jeans right now?
yes and they are one size too small, lol
Has any of your friends ever admitted to liking you?
i think my friends like me…
You find out your ex is having a kid with someone you don’t like, you say?
if he was happy, i would be happy. and then i would make the baby cute integ baby clothes, and knit it little booties.
What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails?
Last movie you saw?
currently watching funny people. its pretty good.
Do you think that you’re a good person?
fuck. no. ok, i do. i am. i just suck sometimes.
Do you honestly believe that good things come to those who wait?
i do. i’m trying to, at least
What could you not go without during the day?
What does the last text message in your inbox say and from who?
“i just saw a girl with feet so small that it looked like she had no feet. awkwardddd.”
How far away is the last person you kissed?
Has someone ever told you that they would be with you forever?
this has happened
Have you seen anyone lately that you don’t get along with?
i suppose thats just the way it is
What is the person you want most doing right now?
want? weird phrasing. the person i would like most to see is in plum boro eating clementines and rotting his newly-vegan insides.
Where will you be 2 hours from now?
in lena’s bed, snugging the shit out of her
Can you ever commit to one person?
Would you be able to name everyone you kissed in 09?
yes. tom. done.
Heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Have you hugged someone within the last week?
What’s your hair look like today?
haven’t showered since saturday so AWESOME
Do you miss anyone right now?
yes and yes
Are things going well in your life right now?
stress, insomnia, dizziness, and homework. needless to say i’m in a good place!
Do you hide your feelings, or express them?
heart on my sleeve, no denying
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
its a grandma sweater. red white and blue thrift store on route 51.
Would you rather read a long ass book or write a 10 page essay?
long ass book! der.
Kirsten Dunst while I was blonde. Now, I don’t know. You tell me? I want people to say Sarah Michelle Geller in Cruel Intentions, but I don’t know how accurate that is.
Daniel Radcliff, Che Guevera, Andrew Hurley
Kate Winslet, Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel.
brittany murphy. but when she was fat.
Not my house yet. Maybe never my house. But aside from the way to expensive dream house with glass shower, this, comes in at a close second.
It’s adorable. Everything I want. The windows. The yard. The front AND back porch. Hardwood floors. Clean. Bright. Roomy. Charming. It’s small without being too small. And spacious without being too impersonal.
It’s just so far. Penn Hills = about a 45 minute drive from work. Not to mention - there isn’t many things around the area. Highlights = 15 minutes from the city without being in the actual city. …. However.. I’d still pay city taxes. Meaning - I’d either need a raise orrr… for the price to come down in order to afford living there.
I’m rambling. No one cares about this. I hardly even care about this. My Ikea date with Ashely yesterday proved successful in getting new lighting AND really great dresser ideas. No. I can’t get the one I want and have it be practical, but I CAN get roomy dressers that will transfer SO WELL into any setting.
Hm.IS THIS real life?
you need this house so bad. do you know how i know that? because i feel like i need this house. this… is a perfect house. a home!