"I don't understand why you think I'm sum kinda jerk lol"
I want to publish a transcript of the text messages I’ve had the pleasure of receiving this morning but they are far too embarrassing. I guess I haven’t been a part of modern dating rituals since high school (thats what you get when you date guys in The Band) but things are just as terrible now as they were four years ago. I thought “I don’t just wanna fuck you, I wanna be with you” would forever set the bar for terrible jock text messages (thanks, Dylan, dreamy baseball player), but I think this new boyfriend has the potential to take the cake! One lol after another after another.
I can’t take it, I think we’re breaking up. “Ok whatev marie! Lol I’m sorry for saying good morning and I like you. Are you the same girl I had class with?” Maybe, Travis. Maybe. I’m mostly sorry someone gave you my number.
You’re really hot but you’re just about as dumb as they come I just don’t think we’re going to work out. Even though you made a point to tell me you played the guitar at least 3 times last night (you know I love the guitar).
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Chef Sean P
What kind of socks/ or shoes are you wearing right now? Barefooted as fuck
Favorite hobby? Unrequited love
What is your best friends name? Robyn Carlsson. You might know her as Robyn.
Favorite store to shop? J. Crew factory outlet !!!!!!! SALES!!!!!
How do you prefer to get your nails done? I usually done ‘em sparkly
Big or small handbags? Usually obscenely small leather vintage Coach purses that everyone harasses me about, but lately a “pieroge-shaped” leather monstrosity purchased deep in the bowels of the souks in Marrakech
Favorite color? The absence of and variations.
Have you ever been in love? In a sense of the word. I’m easily confused though. I definitely am in love with a myriad of food items but it is never requited.
Do you own a pair of uggs? Used to. So ugly, so comfortable.
Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
Diet or regular soda? Keep it real
One place you would like to travel to? Space.
Do you prefer my space or facebook? I prefer my space. I prefer space.
What color is your hair right now? I actually don’t have hair, it is an optical illusion.
Favorite food? Thai, Chinese, Indian, Italian, Spanish, Mexican, Japanese, Portuguese, Moroccan, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, Vietnamese. But also pizza.
What is your dream car? I met this car at the Saab dealership the other day. It had televisions in it. It made me want to cry a little. I don’t really need televisions in my car, but I wouldn’t be mad.
Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Got some, gettin’ some more
Pool or lake? Put me in the water I don’t give a FUCK
Favorite movie? Silly question that I refuse to actually answer. But the other day I watched Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and quoted that shit too hard. I must’ve memorized 95% of the dialogue.
What is something you are good at? Nothing I am proud of.
North or south? Despite my pseudo-southern upbringing, I am forever a yank. In terms of America at least.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Best case scenario: studio apartment, a gray cat and a black cat, a bathroom full of nail polishes, and a variety of wheat beers at my disposal. Reality: probably still crying while driving down highways and waiting tables for beer money. And no cats. I just want cats. Alternate reality: in maximum security prison for brutally murdering my little sister due to what I have fondly dubbed “Leftovergeddon”
If you could give one person a piece of anonymous advice, what would you tell them? Keep your trap shut, ankle biter.
What are three things that are important to you in a relationship? Down2Laugh, Down2Eat, Down2Party. And by D2P I mean DTF. #lol